


How to Pick Up the Pieces

by IShipAllTheSpaceGays



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Blackmail, Child Neglect, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Emile isnt a doctor yet in this AU, Fluff and Angst, Forced Prostitution, Friendship, Healing, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Minor Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Original Character(s), Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Sad, This is all really sad but I promise it will have a happy ending, Triggers, Underage Drug Use, Underage Prostitution, Will probably be LAMP eventually, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:07:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23795104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IShipAllTheSpaceGays/pseuds/IShipAllTheSpaceGays
Summary: Virgil has been delt a bad hand in life. A really, really bad hand.Virgil has been alone for most of his life, he was used to it. Now he's just more alone than ever. He doesn't have a problem, he's just doing what he needs to do to survive.At least...that's what he keeps telling himself.
Comments: 27
Kudos: 87





	1. 𝕻𝖗𝖔𝖑𝖔𝖌𝖚𝖊

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I recently started a new fanfic that I'm excited to share with you. I'm afraid I have gotten quite carried away with the angst here so read with caution. Buckle up my friends because this one's a doosey. I'm only posting the prologue/teaser today because I don't want to start posting the actual chapters until I have at least 5 finished. This way I know I won't just post something and never come back to it again and make you guys mad lol. There are A L O T of triggering themes in this book so please read the tags with caution. I haven't decided what ship this book is gonna involve yet, but I'll tag that when I decide. I hope you enjoy this little teaser. Please be warned: your heart will hurt.
> 
> Trigger warnings for this prologue:  
> Overdose  
> References to prostitution  
> References to abuse and neglect  
> Mental illness  
> (Very) Minor character death

I remember when I found her. It was a bit late, I had gone to Thomas and Roman's house after school with the group for a few hours, and then came home. I remember it was dark in the house, like no one was there to turn the lights on when the sun went down. It was odd because I knew my mother was home.

I remember calling for her when I walked in, asking her if she was there. I expected to find her passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of vodka on the floor next to her, or maybe getting fucked by some old man in her "work room," but she wasn't in either of those places. So, I went further into the house, and just when I was about to accept that she wasn't here for whatever reason, I saw her.

Here's the funny thing about remembering things: if the image is terrible, you remember every little detail. And I do, because it was.

I stood in the old, beaten up doorway of my mother's bedroom, staring down at her body, sprawled out across the floor at the foot of her bed. Her room smelled like sex, and it was a mess. Anything that had been in there that was breakable, was broken. Including her. She was bruised and bloody, but whoever had fucked her definitely didn't kill her, that was for sure. There was an empty needle on the ground not even a foot from her hand.

It was a pitiful sight, truly. And a terrifying one too, especially for a fifteen year old kid. Sure I'd seen some shit in my life before that, but staring into the cold, dead eyes of my own mother- as terrible as she had always been- took the cake. 

So, I ran.

I didn't even think to take anything with me, and if I did, I wouldn't have been able to. I needed to get out of that house. I couldn't stand being in it for one more second. Her eyes were too cold. Too dark. Too dead. I couldn't stand to look at her or even be near her anymore. She was dead, and that was that.

I remember thinking something, after I had run until I physically couldn't anymore. I remember thinking about that look in my mother's eyes. The look that had stayed on her face even after all of the life was gone. She looked so...sad. She looked so human. I couldn't believe it. It pissed me off. She had no right to look like that. Not after everything she did. Not what she did to me. But at the same time...I pitied her. I wished that I would have been given the chance to get to know that sad, human version of my mother. Maybe then I would have been able to find some love in my heart for the woman. But no, she was dead, and all that mattered now was that I survived.


	2. 𝕺𝖓𝖊

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a first look into what Virgil's life is like now that he's all on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK GUYS I know that I said I wanted to wait until I had at least five chapters finished before I posted the first chapter, buuuuuut that didn't happen. In my defense chapter 3 was SO LONG it's literally longer than chapter one and two combined so technically I've written 4.5 chapters worth of story anyway. I really struggled with writing chapter 3 and I just need something to lift my spirits. And that perfect something is getting to post this so that I can see all of your lovely comments! Comments really do make my day as well as boost my motivation by a ton. So yeah! I really hope you enjoy. Make sure you heed the tags! There will be warnings at the beginning of every chapter of this book, but the whole thing references the themes that are tagged.
> 
> Trigger Warnings for this chapter:  
> -Mild Violence  
> -Verbal abuse  
> -Slut shaming/Sexual insults  
> -Drug Use (specifically Acid)  
> -Implied (underage) Prostitution  
> -Self-depreciating thoughts

I woke to a harsh jab to my ribs. I grimaced and tried to go back to sleep, too comfortable to acknowledge whatever had poked me. Before I could drift off again though, I was harshly shoved, and suddenly I was falling through the air and hitting the cold floor with a painful thud.

"Ow! What the fuck?!" I growled, sitting up and rubbing my arm. I opened my eyes and jumped when I spotted a tall dark figure looming above me from the bed. My eyes took a moment to focus before I could see his face. When I did, I noticed that he was glancing around anxiously, which caused my own anxiety to sky-rocket. I looked around too, almost jumping out of my skin when I heard footsteps from another room in the house.

"My wife is home." He spat at me from above in a low whisper, "You were supposed to leave after we were done. Get the fuck out of my house, she's going to kill me if she sees you."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, standing up. "Are you going to pay me?" I snap, already knowing the answer in the back of my head. I was half tempted to just stay here and out him to his wife, but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't risk being identified.

"I can't fucking pay you even if I wanted to, you discount whore. Get the fuck out of my house." 

"Listen buddy you have to pay me-" 

Suddenly the guy was digging through his nightstand drawer before shoving a small plastic bag into my chest. "Here. You said you do acid, here are the rest of our tablets. Now get the hell out before she sees you." 

I wanted to argue more, but she was too close now. I needed to leave. So, I pocketed the bag and slipped into the master bathroom which I knew had a separate door leading out into the rest of the house. Once I heard the woman go into the master bedroom, I escaped into the kitchen, then the living room. I looked around for anything I could take. I saw that she'd left her purse on the kitchen counter. Jackpot. I rummaged through it and emptied her wallet, pocketing the $20 before getting the hell out of there. 

Well, $20 and some acid, not a bad haul. Of course, it was a low payment in retrospect, but at least I'd get to eat today. I looked at my watch, it was 5:45am and the sun was beginning to rise. I figured I could hit the Starbucks on main street to get a breakfast sandwich and a coffee. God that sounded good. I hadn't eaten in like two days. 

I started my walk to the coffee shop, estimating that it would be about an hour until I got there. I was fine for a little bit, but soon enough, things got to be a little too much. My back hurt, my ass hurt, the feeling between my legs was making me nauseous, and I was feeling pretty terrible mentally as well, as I was just about finished coming down from my last high.  
I stopped in a nearby alleyway when I reached the outskirts of the city and pulled the plastic bag out of my pocket. There were two tablets in it. Fuck my life. I guess I wasn’t surprised that there were only two, but I was definitely pissed. I pulled one out and wasted no time in popping it in my mouth before shoving the bag back in my pocket, careful to not let the last one fall out. I needed to take both, but I wasn’t sure when I would be able to get more, so making the two last as long as possible was my safest option. 

Once that was done, I started walking. Nothing happened until about 30 minutes later. I was pretty far into town by then and things had already begun to get a little blurry, but it wasn’t until some of the buildings turned a bright color and some even started to melt a little that it really caught my attention. I smiled as the sounds around me bled together and suddenly they weren’t so overwhelming anymore. It was a light trip, as I was used to three tablets at a time, so I was still able to walk and see most things normally. It was just the occasional pink wavy skyscraper and orange fuzzy bunny person.

I didn’t even have to worry about the pain in my body anymore, or the feeling of being watched, because the air around me was sweet now, and I felt pure happiness bubble in my chest. I felt like I could do anything. I was at the coffee shop before I knew it, and I didn’t even feel tired anymore. I cheerfully ordered my coffee and egg sandwich, pocketing what money I had left so that I might be able to find something for dinner tonight. It definitely wasn’t enough to buy more tablets, but maybe Dee would make an exception if I made up the difference in other ways.

Once I got my coffee, I moved to a booth in the corner of the cafe and sat down, giggling softly to myself as the fluorescent colors of the stop sign outside the window started to flash. My giddiness did not last long though, because someone had approached me and said my name, and the paranoia hit me like a brick to the head. 

I looked up to see Logan, a friend from school. I didn’t know if I should feel super excited to see him or terrified. How did he find me? Is he gonna tell someone? If he tells someone that he saw me here the people from social services would come for me. Oh god, I can’t go into the system. I can't. 

“Virgil, what on earth is going on?” Logan asked, sitting down across from me, looking like he's seen a ghost. “You’ve been gone for a whole year! We’ve been looking for you everywhere, we were worried sick!”

They were worried…? That was a nice thought. I smiled a little, feeling like I was going to cry. They’re worried...about me. All at once I felt flattered and loved, and then guilt. Pure guilt. I made them worry. I ruined their lives. How dare I just abandon all of them and cause them so much stress.

“I’m sorry…” I choked out, fiddling with the lid of my coffee cup. Logan just looked shocked. 

“Why on earth are you sorry? Where have you been, Virgil? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” I squirmed under his worried, analytical gaze. He really hadn’t changed much. Though, he was talking more than I remembered, but I figured that was just because he was panicking a little. Or a lot. I wondered if the others had changed or not. I missed them all so much…  
“I-I’m okay..” I mumbled, looking around anxiously, feeling like someone knew I was lying and was watching me closely. “I’ve been...a-around..?” 

“Around where?” Logan asked, frowning. “We checked your house, we still do sometimes. Someone else lives there now, did you and your mother move?”

I must have gotten distracted by the stop sign again, as I definitely did not think my next words through. “Mom’s dead.” I stated quietly, and Logan would tell me farther into the future that I had said it with such a chillingly cheerful matter-o-fact tone. I remember looking at him, not realizing what I’d said, and feeling confused at his facial expression. He looked mortified.

“What did you say, Virgil?” he asked. I frowned, trying to remember what I said, and as soon as I did, my eyes opened wide and I felt panic take over my body. Oh shit oh fuck oh shit shit shit I just told him about mom oh shit he’s gonna tell someone, they’re gonna come after me oh shit- Before I could even process what was happening, I was outside. I wondered distantly why it felt kind of windy, and it occured to me that I was running. I ran as far as I could, sometimes forgetting why I was even running. I remembered hearing someone running after me, yelling my name. For a while it was Logan, but he didn’t chase me for very long at all. The rest of the time it was my imagination, probably the drug, but I didn’t know that. I sincerely thought someone or something was chasing me and if it caught me, it would hurt me. I didn’t want to be hurt, so I kept running. 

I ran until I was so tired that my legs could barely hold me up any longer. I collapsed into a gasping heap on the ground just inside an empty alleyway. I was so, so tired. I’d only gotten to sleep like two hours at that guy’s house, and I’d walked and ran a ton all day. I couldn’t move my body another inch. I layed there and watched the blue striped ground around me sway and rock under me like the ocean. It made me feel so calm, I loved it. I remember wondering if this is what other kids felt when their mom held them close. I’d never gotten to feel that, and I never would. But that was okay, because the ocean had me, and she calmed me. I closed my eyes and imagined a beautiful ocean goddess, pulling me into her arms and humming her sweet lullaby so I could sleep peacefully and feel safe. Just like a real mother was supposed to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the part about the Acid is incorrect. I tried to do as much research as I could about the drug, but I couldn't find much on what it's like to experience a trip.


	3. 𝓣𝔀𝓸

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil needs a hug :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS for the chapter: 
> 
> -Acid Trip  
> -Somewhat graphic mentions of dubiously concented, underage prostitution  
> -Physical violence
> 
> Let me know if I missed any. Take care of yourselves 💕

I slept for the rest of that day, waking up at around 9:30 that night. My trip had long since worn off, so I popped the last one I had before getting to work. In the next three days I had about ten clients. It was a pretty good turnout really, and more than half of them paid what they said they would, which was a miracle. The rest paid a little over half of the original charge, depending on how they thought I did. Some paid me in drugs instead of money, which was fine with me. Acid is a little hard to find through that system, so I pocketed what was there and sold the rest of the drugs to my dealer, Deceit. 

Dee was the only one over the years to listen to me. To deal to me without treating me like a little kid. I saw him as a friend. Not a very reliable friend, not at all, but he helped me out when I needed it, and honestly that was the closest I could really get to a friend at that point. 

It was three days after I ran into Logan, and I was getting pounded into the back seat of someone’s car. It was hella uncomfortable, and my head kept hitting the door every few thrusts, but this guy was paying big bucks, and I had taken four tablets only two hours ago, so I didn’t even care. Unfortunately, I could hear his nasty grunts as his small ass dick shoved itself into me, but I could tune it out fairly well with the pretty sounds of the neon sign hanging above the store outside the car. The letters blurred together, but I think it was a barber shop. The sign was on but the store was closed. 

I loved the colors, they were so bright and they kept spinning and dancing around me, like they were giving me a nice warm hug. I could hear the colors, they sounded like soft, comforting whispers all around me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. There were colors that didn't even have names yet, and I felt like I was the only one special enough to see them. It made me so happy, and I felt so relaxed. But then...I was being forced to sit up, and the magical world I had been in before was now muffled around me and everything was very dark and scary again.

“The fuck is wrong with you, kid? What are you on?” The man growled, shaking me by the shoulders. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The man’s grip felt icky on my shoulders and that made me want to cry, but his expression and his words were just so silly. I giggled, feeling the hot tears cascade down my cheeks at the same time. “What the fuck?” the guy mumbled, before sighing and letting go of me. He reached into his back pocket, and I absentmindedly noted that he had already pulled his pants back up and even buckled his belt. 

He handed me a wad of cash, “Here, kid. Take the money and get out of the car before anybody sees me.” the guy looked around anxiously, which made me do the same, suddenly terrified that someone was watching. When I was somewhat certain that there wasn’t, I looked down at the cash in my hands, excited that it felt like a lot of cash. I unfolded it, realizing that it was actually just a small stack of ones. I was too high to count them, but I knew it was less than fifteen dollars, which was barely half of what he agreed to pay. I started laughing. 

“This isn't 30, silly!" I giggled hysterically before getting distracted by a glowing rainbow butterfly flying past the window behind the guy’s head. It was so pretty… I wished I could be a butterfly. Butterflies didn't have to have sex with gross strangers, because they didn't have to pay for their food. 

When I looked back at the man, I realized he was staring at me like I was insane. I felt the large smile melt from my face and suddenly the tears were back. I felt a heavy wave of dread and sadness come over me. "I'm not crazy.." I sniffled, looking down at the money again before holding it out to show him, "Y-You said 30.."

The man finally stopped his staring and he looked angry, rolling his eyes and snarling at me like an angry dog, “Oh shut the fuck up, you whiny slut. You’re lucky you got anything, you were a shit fuck. Didn’t make a sound, didn’t even look at me. You think you deserve more than that? No way in hell.”

I felt my eyes overflow harder at the same time a fire of rage ignited in my chest. _How dare he? I fucking gave him what he wanted!_ “You promised more!” I yelled, probably louder than I really meant to. 

“I didn’t promise shit! And shut the fuck up you ugly whore, people are gonna hear you!” he whisper-yelled, and suddenly the whispers from the light outside became mean too. Instead of a warm hug, it felt like they were suffocating me. I let out something halfway between a whine and a growl before lunging at the man, trying to attack him. 

As I was much, much smaller than him, much weaker too, especially since I was high as a kite, he overpowered me quickly. The next thing I knew, he was screaming profanities at me, punching me in the face, the stomach, kicking me between my legs. He grabbed my neck and pulled my hair, calling me ugly and worthless and disgusting, and so did the whispers. Though, they weren't really whispers anymore. They were voices now, loud ones. The light wasn’t comforting anymore, it wanted to hurt me. It wanted to hurt me like this man did, and I was so scared. 

Time blurred together. I didn’t feel when he pulled my pants back up, I didn’t realize when he opened the car door and let the cold winter air rush in. I didn’t notice how cold the ground felt when he shoved me out of the car and onto the sidewalk. I did hear his tires screeching as he sped away though, so, so loud in my ears as the voices from the lights got louder and meaner. I was curled up on the edge of the sidewalk like that for who knows how long. I was hysterical, sobbing and hyperventilating as the voices and the blinding light surrounded me. They wanted to hurt me. They already hurt me, there was pain all over already. They wanted to hurt me more though, and I was petrified.

By the time someone approached me, I had no idea how much time had passed. Seconds before the figure stood before me, a very very bright light approached and shined directly on me, and all I could do was curl up and sob. It was coming to get me, it was gonna hurt me and I couldn’t do anything about it. But then…

“Virgil?! Good god, what the hell?” a familiar voice. A beautifully, amazingly, perfectly familiar voice. I let out a hysterical, terrified sob, uncurling from my fetal position to look up at my gorgeous best friend. I couldn't believe it was him. My savior. 

"T-Thomas.." I whimpered, my voice hoarse and broken, scaring me a little.

"Yeah it's me, Virge. Oh my god, what happened to you? We've been looking for you, f-for so long, and Logan said he saw you in this area so we've been searching here and- oh my god, Roman! Call 911!"

"No!" I cried out, "Nonononono please please please no 991, Thomas no no no, please they'll get me they'll take me please no…" I sobbed, not even able to breathe between words.

Thomas's eyes were wide, but he nodded, setting his hand on my head, running his fingers through my greasy hair. "Okay, okay Virge. No 911, you got it buddy. You're okay, take a deep breath for me." He said softly, massaging my hair. I liked when he did that, it made the voices get quieter.

"Roman, never mind." I heard Thomas say, but after that things got distorted. "No… he said… doesn't want to… home."

Time blurred again, and I felt myself get a little warmer. And the mean light was gone. The whispers were too. I was so relieved, I didn't have to be so scared anymore. I felt Thomas' arms around me and it made me feel so safe. I allowed myself to curl up against his side and just sleep. Thomas was safe, Thomas was okay. He would never ever hurt me, Thomas was safe.

I missed Thomas so, so much. I hadn't seen him in a year. Maybe I wasn't even seeing him now, maybe I was dreaming. But if I was, it really was a nice dream, I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to stay safe in my best friend's arms forever and ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very few people have expressed interest in this book and I really don't know what that's going to do to my motivation to write it tbh. :(


	4. 𝕿𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is home 💕

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm pretty sure there's no trigger warnings here? So that's good. Tell me if there is and I missed it. 
> 
> This is like 90% edited, I read it through like 3 times but eh. Also if at any point in this chapter or anywhere in the book, the narration changes from "I/me" to "Virgil/he" that is a mistake. My brain is not used to writing fanfics in first person and sometimes it defaults back to third person lol.
> 
> Edit: I messed up and somehow this chapter (3) got put before the last chapter(2)? So yeah I fixed that now lol
> 
> Edit 2: Wendy is an OC I created. All of the parents and extra siblings in this au will be my OCs. Actually, basically everyone who isn't Thomas or a side will be OCs lol

When I woke up, I felt warm. I was still shivering, but I felt warm. I could feel soft fabric all around me, and it was like heaven. Maybe it was, maybe I died. I remember wondering seriously if that man had killed me. I wondered if I had died on that sidewalk, crying in fear and pain, and then dreamt that my best friend found me and held me close. Maybe that was my last wish, to see Thomas. I did miss him the most I think. I jumped out of my thoughts when I felt fingers running through my hair. Hushed voices around me, above me, made fear sprout in my chest again. I felt myself begin to shake, and I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut tighter.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry." A sweet feminine voice said, the hand in my hair moving away at the same time. I whined, trying to curl up into myself. _No...don't let go...the voices will get me if you let go…_

"Virge..you're awake right? Can you open your eyes for us?" I heard Thomas' voice, soft and full of concern. God I missed that voice.

Thomas had been my best friend since kindergarten. We had been practically inseparable for most of our lives so far. But... when I was twelve..when my mom started...forcing me to do things with other people.. I started to grow away from him. I felt so incredibly ashamed and terrified. I hated myself and I decided it would have been better if I just didn't subject poor Thomas to my disgusting self. So, over the years we weren't as close, and I was regretting that now. I wished this was real... that this really was Thomas next to me, not dream or a wish. I knew he wasn't real, but, I wanted to see him anyway, so I opened my eyes, and there he was. He was standing right next to me, and I wanted to cry. I missed him so much.

"Thomas.." I whined, reaching out for him. His eyebrows furrowed and he looked worried and kind of scared. _Is he..scared of me?_ He took my hand and smiled at me sadly,

"It's me, Virge. I'm here."

"Virgil.." it was that feminine voice again. I frowned, turning my head and freezing in shock when I locked eyes with Wendy, Roman and Thomas's mother. She smiled at me, so warm and loving, just as I remembered her. I couldn't believe I was seeing her too, but I suppose it made sense. She was really the closet thing to a mother I'd ever had, so maybe I thought her up too so that I had my best friend and my mother figure to hold me while I died. I felt a heavy wave of relief and safety crash over me and it must have filled me all the way up because the water started to overflow out of my eyes. Hot tears ran down my cheeks fast as I stared at her, and suddenly I was a little eight year old again, crying and wanting someone to hold me and keep me safe like a mother is supposed to. I remembered a time when Wendy tried to get me to call her mom. "Any friend of my sons are children of mine." she had declared cheerfully, and I remember how warm it made me feel. I'd called her that from the time I was nine to the time I was twelve. Once everything began, I didn't want to burden her by making her think she had to love something so dirty and broken.

But...right now, since I was dead, it didn't really matter. I wasn't really worried about that anymore, because this Wendy in front of me wasn't the real one, so it was okay.

"Hi mama…" I choked out in a raspy whisper. I watched her brown eyes fill with tears and she smiled at me,

"Can I hug you, sweetheart?" She asked quietly, and before I even realized what I was doing, I was nodding my head up and down frantically. I just wanted her to hold me. I wanted to pretend like she was my real mom all along, like the one that died was just some evil old witch that kidnapped me, kinda like that Disney movie Roman made us watch one time.

The old witch stole the girl from her real parents and treated her badly, used her for her own personal gain. But at the end the princess finds her way back home, to her real parents, and they hug her. Wendy hugged me like that, and all I could do was bury my face in her neck and sob.I couldn't help it, I hadn't seen her in so, so long. That, and I'd been so alone and scared for what felt like an eternity… I cried and clung to my dream Wendy, terrified that she would let go or disappear at any second. _Not yet...I need this..please._.

I felt a warm pressure against my back, I think it was Thomas, cuddling me from behind. Usually if I was in a position like this I'd have a panic attack, but I didn't. I was too busy trying to memorize the feeling of this hug so that I could replay it in my mind forever after she lets go. After the nice dream is over and I have to face whatever comes after. Whatever death is.

She pulled away way too soon, and I couldn't help but whimper and try to hold onto her. "I'm not going anywhere, baby. I just want to see your face." She said softly. Reluctantly, I let her, pulling back enough for her to look at me. This didn't feel like a dream. I never imagined I'd still be in this much pain when I'm dead. Maybe I'm not dead yet, maybe I'm just really close. I wondered if Wendy or Thomas knew the answer to this.

"A-Am…" I croaked, my throat dry and scratchy, "Am I dead..?" Apparently that was the wrong question to ask because Wendy looked very upset. I was about to apologize, but she answered me instead,

"No honey, you're not dead. This is real, you're safe. I've been trying to get a hold of your mother but it says the line has been disconnected. Did she get a new phone?" I shook my head, sniffling and resting my head against her shoulder. I didn't want to answer. I still wasn't sure if this was real life or not. "Well where is she, Virge? I-"

"Mom.." Thomas said sternly, making me flinch. I heard him sigh, "I'm sorry Virge." He mumbled before going back to talking to his mom, "Logan said that Virgil told him his mother is...not with us anymore." I heard Wendy gasp and suddenly I was gently pushed away from her so she could look into my eyes again.

"Virgil is this true?"

"Mhmm…" I hummed, looking away.

"Oh baby...I'm so sorry. When did this happen?" She asked, concern lacing her tone.

"Year ago.." I grumbled, suddenly not wanting to hug her anymore. I pulled away from her fully and backed myself up against the headboard of the bed, pulling my knees to my chest. I was starting to realize just how much pain I was in. Every moment shot a new agony across my body and I was starting to think that this really wasn't a dream. I really didn't think I'd feel pain like this in a dream, especially if I was dying. This was actually happening, and that ignited the fear and anxiety in my chest. I just wanted to curl up and hide. I didn't want them to know, this is why I had been avoiding them..

"A year ago?! Virgil wh-"

"Please don't tell anyone!!" I blurted out, terrified that they would tell the police or the system that I was here. They'd take me away… I didn't want to go away.. I could take care of myself. I was doing fine on my own so far, I'm not dead yet so there's that.

"Virge..you're shaking so hard…" Thomas said, his voice shaky, coming from my right. I looked at him and his pretty brown eyes were full of worry and fear behind a barrier or shiny tears, and the guilt in my stomach began to eat me alive once again. Thomas is stressed, he's crying, this is why I didn't want anyone to know. This is why I avoided everyone. I didn't want to hurt them.

_And look, as soon as you enter their lives you're hurting them. How dare you crash their happy lives like this? You think you're worth this? Bullshit, you're not even worth $30, you disgusting whore._

Suddenly I was suffocating and I needed to leave. I just had to. I was causing too much trouble and stress, "Mm-m gonna go.." I mumbled, pushing myself up from where I was sitting on the bed, trying to get off of it. Wendy and Thomas blocked my way on both sides and I felt trapped. I started to hyperventilate. My trip was worn off almost completely now and everything was real. Way too real.

"No, Virgil. You need to stay here and rest. You're in a lot of pain, sweetheart. And I need to know what's going on." Wendy's voice was stern, and left no room for argument. Not that I could argue anyway, I was too busy panicking over the fact that I couldn't breathe.

"Virgil, look at me. Watch me," Thomas said, catching my eye and staring at me intentionally. He was gonna do breathing exercises with me, I knew he was. I nodded and grabbed onto the sheets, trying so hard to get air into my lungs. "Breathe in, you can do it, count to five. Just like me, ready? One, two, three, four, five. It's okay, Virge, try again." I couldn't help the tears that fell down my cheeks.

It took who knows how long for me to finally get a hold of my breathing, and when I did, I felt so dizzy. I always felt so sick after the highs wore off. Mostly because once the highs wore off all I had to focus on was how disgusting and dirty I was, how much pain I was in, how lonely I was. How hungry I was… damn I was so hungry.

As if on cue, the bedroom door opened and in waltzed Roman with a triumphant smile on his face. When he looked at me, his eyes sparkled with..I don't know, excitement? "Ah! My emo nightmare has awakened! I suppose you are hungry, but not to worry, I have brought sustenance!" Geez, he was just as dramatic as I remembered. I just let my body fall back a little bit, my back hitting the headboard. I grimaced at the pain that it caused my whole body, but it dulled eventually. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. I was really dizzy, and I felt so damn weak, I didn't even trust myself to talk. I heard Wendy sigh next to me,

"I know this is a lot, baby...but we're worried about you. We're gonna give you some time and space though, alright? Roman made you a sandwich and a smoothie, how about you eat as much as you can and then go take a shower, okay? But I don't want you leaving here right now, at least until I know you have somewhere safe to go." She said sternly. There was a long silence, I was trying to get my strength up enough so I could respond. My head felt too heavy to move, so I just whispered a weak,

"Okay.." “We’ll be around if you need us, Virge. Just call us.” Thomas said from next to me, gently patting my shoulder before walking out of the room. Soon enough, I was alone in the room. I wasted no time in eating the sandwich, as I hadn’t eaten in days and I was not about to let it go to waste. I wished there was more, but I knew I couldn’t be greedy.

Once the food was gone, I sighed and looked out the window from my spot on the bed. This was Thomas’ bed, I noted to myself. The Princes lived in a small apartment in the city, two bedrooms and one bathroom. It was just Wendy and her two boys though, their dad had walked out long ago, but neither really knew him anyway. They were both really young when he left.

Thomas was a year younger than- well, everyone else in our friend group. He was kind of the one everyone wanted to protect. I smiled at that thought, I’d always wanted to protect Thomas. He was just so sweet and genuine. I didn’t ever want anyone to hurt him, ever.

_But isn't that what you did when you left without saying anything? You really think that didn’t hurt him? You failed. You had one job, to protect Thomas, and you failed. How does it feel?_

I felt my heart breaking then, I knew the voice was right. I had hurt Thomas, I hurt my best friend. My eyes started to sting again and I pulled my legs to my chest, holding myself tightly in a ball, feeling helpless. "I-I..It’s not like I meant to… I was trying to protect him..” I whispered to no one but myself. 

I sat there on that bed for a while, and eventually I realized that I really really should take a shower. What was I thinking?? I was getting Thomas’ sheets all dirty and disgusting! I’d have to change them when I get out of the shower so that he doesn’t have to sleep on whatever filth I left. 

I pushed myself out of the bed as fast as I could, ignoring the pain. It sucked yeah, but I was used to it. That’s just how sex was, it hurt and it left you hurting, but everyone else deals with it, so why should I get to whine and cry about it?

I made my way to the bedroom door and opened it quietly, not wanting to disturb anyone else in the apartment. Once I was pretty sure the coast was clear, I stepped out of the bedroom and across the hall where I knew the bathroom was. First thing’s first, I closed and locked the door before turning to look at the small bathroom. 

It was small alright, a pretty cramped space with the counter taking up half of the width and the toilet and shower packed in right next to it. Still, it was endearingly messy. It wasn’t dirty, Thomas and Wendy both had a habit of stress cleaning, so their little apartment was often very clean, but none of the three Princes really had any organization skills, so their things were always scattered about. Wendy apologized for the mess all the time, but really it always made me smile. The clutter added to the homey feeling of their apartment, and I loved it. 

I couldn’t help but smile softly at the sight, stepping farther into the room and toward the bathtub/shower in the corner. I turned to make sure the door was locked before I started undressing. Doing my best to avoid looking in the mirror, I set my clothes in a neatly folded pile on the counter. Right as I was about to turn on the shower, someone knocked at the door. I jumped, looking back at the door, feeling intensely uncomfortable even though I knew that whoever was on the other side of the door couldn’t see me. 

“Virgil, I’m going to set some of Thomas' clothes outside the door here, whenever you’re ready you can come grab them and leave your clothes in their place so I can wash them.” It was Wendy. She was so thoughtful.. I hadn’t even thought about my clothes. They were really the only pair I had, so whenever I could manage to take a shower at a client’s house I would just put them right back on. Sometimes I stole a few things from the clients that deserved it, but I hadn’t done that in a while so these were pretty worn out and dirty. 

I didn’t respond to Wendy, but she probably didn’t mind. My shower lasted close to an hour. The water felt amazing on my skin and I hadn’t been able to take a shower that I wasn’t in a complete rush to finish in, well, a year. It was amazing, but of course all good things must come to an end.

Once out of the shower I peeked out the door nervously, grabbing Thomas' clothes and setting my old gross ones in their place. I prayed to whatever god may exist that there was no clear signs of sex on my old clothes. I didn't know what I'd do if Wendy found out that I… 

I shivered and shook the thought out of my head. She wouldn't. They wouldn't. I'd make sure of it. If they did, they'd be so disgusted they wouldn't ever want to talk to me again. I couldn't survive that, I just couldn't.

Once I was dressed, I left the bathroom quietly, moving back to Thomas and Roman's room so that I could change Thomas' sheets. All of my wounds hurt like hell, but I was sort of used to it. This wasn't the first time I'd gotten my ass beaten like this, and it probably wouldn't be the last. I sighed as I all but limped into the shared bedroom, stopping in my tracks to see that the sheets had already been changed, and Thomas was laying on his bed playing on his phone. 

He looked up at me when he realized I was standing in the doorway, and gave me the most Thomas smile ever, the sweetest, brightest, kindest look in the world, that was Thomas. And when he smiled at you, you couldn't help but smile back, so I did. 

"Hey Virge! How was your shower?" He asked sweetly.

I sighed and leaned against the door frame, "It was nice, thanks for letting me use your bathroom and stuff." I suddenly felt really awkward and out of place. It wasn't my place to use any of this stuff, especially since I'd caused the Prince family so much trouble in the first place..ugh. 

Thomas just giggled a little, "Of course! You're like family, Virge. This is practically your home! Plus, you're my best friend, what's mine is yours. You know that, silly." 

I wasn't sure what to say to that..and I also really wanted to cry. Thomas..still thought of me as his best friend..? Even after all I've done to him? 

"You wanna come rest? We can cuddle or if you don't feel up to touch right now I can move Roman's bed a little closer. That way we'll be close but also far enough away, y'know?" 

I couldn't help it then. I started to cry. Thomas was just so thoughtful, and it was really hitting me just how much I missed him. Thomas and I were inseparable almost our whole lives all the way up until last year. Our relationship had always been completely platonic, however I did have a crush on him in middle school. But in the end, we were always more like brothers than lovers. Thomas always helped me through panic attacks, he held me when I cried, he encouraged me when I came out to him as gay. We would have sleepovers all the time- at his house obviously- and we'd sleep in his bed, cuddled up together on the nights where I didn't feel completely disgusted by touch.

Those nights were my favorite. When me and Thomas would stay up late just whispering, talking about anything and everything, and then Roman would groan out something along the lines of, "Shut up I want to sleep" from the other side of the room, and we would giggle and cuddle closer so we could whisper quieter. And waking up the next morning so warm and safe in my best friend's arms and his family's warm home, the smell of breakfast wafting through the small apartment. It was heaven for me. And I haven't even thought of that heaven in almost a year.

But here I was, crying in the doorway of my best friend's room, trying to weigh the options. On one hand, if I gave in to my desperate need to be touched and held, the disgust I was currently feeling would probably act up and result in me either throwing up or pushing him away. Plus he doesn't know what he's getting into...he doesn't know how tainted and genuinely repulsive I am. On the other hand, if I agree to the separate bed idea, that would not only mean that Thomas would have to do a bunch of work to put it together, but Roman wouldn't have access to his bed,  _ and _ Thomas would be too far away. I didn't know what to do…

Thomas frowned when he realized I was crying. "Oh, Virge.. is it something I said? Do you need to do some breathing exercises? Maybe I should call mom?" 

I just shook my head rapidly. "Y-You sure you're o-okay with..me coming t-to lay with you..?" I stuttered, sniffling. I knew I was being selfish, but the touch starved side of me was becoming more and more desperate by the second.

Thomas smiled and nodded, setting his phone on the nightstand and patting the open side of the bed.

I took a deep breath before stepping farther into the room and climbing into Thomas' bed, laying down next to him. I was on my side, my head resting on the edge of the pillow, my hand under my head as I faced my best friend. He shifted so that he was laying on his side just like me. We were face to face, quite close but not touching. He smiled at me, but there was something in it that was sad.

"I missed you, Virge.." he whispered, and I saw his deep brown eyes begin to shine with unshed tears. My tears had stopped for a moment, but they were back and they were slowly running down my cheeks, some of them falling over my nose as I was laying on my side. 

"I'm sorry.." I whimpered, squeezing my eyes closed in shame. 

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're alive." Thomas sighed, letting some silence pass before he spoke again, "The others are going to be here later today." 

I opened my eyes and looked at Thomas, sighing. I knew that this would happen, but I still dreaded it. 

"Remy is falling apart. He wanted to come over last night, but mom wouldn't let him. She said you needed to rest first, and so did he, but we all know Remy didn't sleep at all since he got the news." Thomas sighed, sounding concerned. I couldn't help but smile a little at that. Thomas may be the one everyone in our friend group tried to protect, but he was also the mom friend, without a doubt. He worried and doted over everyone as if he were their mother. Thomas had such a pure heart, and I loved that so much about him. I admired him too. I had always wished that I could be as pure as Thomas. 

But of course, the exact opposite had been written in the stars for me.

"Out of everyone..I think Remy took your disappearance the worst." Thomas whispered sadly. "He stayed in his house for weeks after the police said there was nothing they could do. Emile practically had to live at the Insom house for those weeks, because he was the only one Remy would see, and the only one who could get him to eat." Thomas explained, tears falling from his eyes now too.

I felt like my heart was being shattered into pieces. Remy… Remy wasn't as old a friend as Thomas, but when the two of us met we clicked faster than anyone else I'd ever encountered. It only took a day or two for us to be closer than I was to most of my friends. Even with Thomas it took weeks, months for me to trust him fully, but with Remy it took much, much less. I never did figure out why that was. Remy always said that we were soulmates. Platonic ones of course. He was happily dating his boyfriend of eight years, Emile Picani. 

"Ugh..I'm in such deep shit." I grumbled, turning my head to hide my face in my hand. Thomas just let out a somewhat frustrated sigh, 

"Virgil.." he said quietly, but with a hint of harshness in his voice that made me lift my head to listen, "We thought you were dead. O-Or worse.." 

I scoffed, trying my best to find ways to lift the mood, "What could be worse than death?" I joked, but Thomas didn't think it was funny. 

"What if you got kidnapped?" Thomas was openly crying now, staring at me. "What if you were being tortured or hurt in the worst ways and you were all alone-" he sobbed. 

I sighed. There was irony in what Thomas was saying, because in reality what he was suggesting wasn't all that far off. But, I didn't say anything about that obviously, and I didn't think about it too much either. "I'm sorry, T...can I give you a hug..?" 

Thomas nodded, and scooted closer to me when I lifted my arm. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, holding me as if I would disappear if he let go. I sighed into his hair, closing my eyes and continuing to whisper apologies to my best friend.

I didn't realize how much my disappearance would hurt my friends.. then again, I really wasn't thinking about anyone else back then. All I could think about was how I was going to survive. 

_ God, how selfish can you be? _

The voice was back, and I welcomed it, because I deserved it. It was right, I was selfish. I was so...so selfish. There were people that cared about me, and I completely abandoned them. I deserved whatever karma I got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls comment! 
> 
> Thank you for everyone who has commented on the story so far, you really do make my day. I get so happy when I see someone left a comment on my work.


	5. 𝕱𝖔𝖚𝖗

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil faces the rest of the group, and Remy is not happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there's any trigger warnings for this, but correct me if I'm wrong. Remy is very emotionally charged but the most he does is kinda shove Virgil but it's not violent. Self depreciating thoughts maybe?

Thomas and I ended up falling asleep like that, holding each other and crying. It was just like old times, but without the crying part. 

Wendy woke us both up by knocking on the open door, smiling at me when I opened my eyes and looked at her groggily. 

"Hi sweethearts, sorry to wake you, but your friends are here." She said, smiling fondly at the two of us.

"Thanks." I mumbled, letting Thomas roll over and sit up, rubbing his face as he let out a long sigh. I sat up too, mentally preparing myself for what was about to happen. I barely had time to stand up out of bed before Remy was standing in the doorway, looking absolutely furious and devastated at the same time. He stared straight at me, his face pale as if he'd seen a ghost.

Tears were already falling down his freckled cheeks at a rapid pace. I stared back at him, not doing anything for a minute, then I tried sending him a weak smile. That seemed to snap him out of his frozen state. He marched over to me and grabbed my shoulders roughly, staring into my eyes,

"I'm going to kill you." He growled, and I just forced a weak laugh, 

"Hey Rem.."

"Don't you fucking 'hey Rem' me you bitch! Where the fuck have you been?! I thought you were dead! We thought-" he was cut off as his voice broke. He looked like he was going to collapse and start sobbing, but there was still rage burning bright in his eyes. I sighed, Remy sure didn't change much. He looked older, more worn out, but his attitude was still as chaotic as ever. "I could punch you right now." He practically growled, still holding onto my shoulders tightly. 

I grimaced, "Please don't." 

And with that, Remy let out an enraged yell, shoving me backwards. I stumbled and tried my best to keep my balance. As soon as I steadied myself, a body was crashing into mine. Remy held me so tight I could barely breathe, his face buried in my shoulder as he cried. "Don't ever fucking do that again, you asshole! I hate you! You scared me so bad."

I was shocked for a moment, but once that passed, I wrapped my arms around my old friend and held him tight too. "I'm sorry Remy.. I really didn't mean to.."

Remy didn't let go, so I just held onto him and took deep breaths, trying to steady myself. I felt like crying as well, but I didn't want to. I looked up for a moment, and that was a mistake, because I was met with five familiar faces. 

Near the doorway stood the rest of the friend group that I abandoned. Thomas, Roman, Logan, Emile and Patton. Oh Patton...he was the only one of my old crushes that I hadn't seen yet, and my god was he beautiful. He looked like he grew taller, his light brown hair a curly mess on his head. His brown eyes shined with tears behind those big round glasses, freckles still dusting his face all along his nose and cheeks.

Now that I was looking at them all, I realized I hadn't _really_ looked at them yet. When I saw Logan a few days ago I was high, so I was focusing on everything but his appearance. And I'd only seen Roman in brief intervals since he and Thomas found me on the street. 

But oh my…

Logan was standing next to Patton, in all of his tall, string bean glory. His deep mahogany irises stared straight into my soul, but not in an intimidating way. The look had a softness to it that put me at ease. As if he was attempting to protect me with his stare alone. 

And Roman… oh, Roman. Both Prince boys have always been extremely attractive, and to add to that? They both had hearts of pure gold. It was very easy to fall in love with them, and that was quite clear, especially at school. Thomas would constantly have girls fawning over him, and even Roman would have quite a large amount of run-ins with them, despite being openly gay. 

I knew it had only been a year since I've seen him, but he definitely aged very well. He was taller now, not as tall as Logan, but taller than Patton and myself. He held himself in that same insanely confident position at all times. His arms and chest seemed to be filling out his clothing in quite a satisfying way, his hair looked soft and smooth to the touch and it was expertly arranged on his head so that it had the "most princely effect", as he always used to say. His eyes held a new kind of maturity, and that jawline could cut me open ~~and I probably wouldn't complain.~~

I locked eyes with Emile after I caught myself looking at the other three too long. I gave him a weak smile, and he returned it, looking worried. Probably for his crying boyfriend whom I was holding onto. 

After a few more moments, Remy finally calmed down and pulled away. I didn't even get a word out before his hands were on my face. "I can't believe you're actually here." He whispered, taking a deep breath.

"Yeah…" I couldn't really either to be honest.

Remy huffed in irritation before grabbing my wrist and dragging me to the bed. I flinched when he grabbed me harshly, but he either didn't notice or didn't think much of it. Before I knew it, I was sitting on Thomas' bed, back against the pillows as everyone else found a seat around me. Remy sat in front of me on the bed, his legs crossed. Patton and Roman sat on Roman's bed, Thomas sitting at the opposite end of his own bed with Logan standing next to him. Emile sat behind Remy.

I had to close my eyes and focus on steadying my breathing. All of the eyes on me were causing my chest to tighten. 

"Right. Well, spill." Remy said, interrupting the silence. I knew it was coming, but it still felt like I was hit by a truck. 

_Of course Remy would ask, he just spent a year thinking you were dead!_

_I know, I just wish that he hadn't asked.._

_He deserves answers, asshole. They all do since you fucked up their lives so bad._

I fiddled with my fingers anxiously, looking up at him through my eyelashes, "What do you wanna know..?" 

"What do we want to know?! Are you fucking serious?" 

His tone made me flinch, and I saw Emile put his hand on Remy's shoulder before whispering a soft, "Breathe, Rem. Lashing out won't solve anything." 

I could tell Remy wanted to shove Emile's hand away, but he forced himself to close his eyes and take a breath anyway. I smiled weakly, Emile was the only one Remy would listen to when it came to these things. Anyone else giving him an order like that would have gotten a face full of iced coffee. 

I felt Remy's eyes on me again, but before he could speak, someone else did.

"We would like to know where you have been all this time, Virgil. We were very worried, as you suddenly vanished without a trace one day." Logan said, his voice level and calm. 

_Better come up with a lie, quick._

_I don't want to lie! I've already hurt them enough…_

_Okay then Jiminy Cricket, what are you going to say? That you've been living on the streets? Oh! Or how about how you've been whoring yourself out to anyone and everyone who will give you drugs? Maybe tell them how you've been a little slut since day one? Yeah, that outta convince them to let you stay. Good idea._

I shook my head rapidly to try to get the voice to shut the hell up for one second. Before I could even think it through, I ended up blurting out, "I've just been downtown." 

_Yeah, that totally makes sense out of context, good call._

"Downtown..? Virgil, you're talking like you've been gone for a day. You've been missing for over a year." Thomas said, concern and confusion lacing his tone.

I just shrugged, finally accepting that my mind is blank and I'll just have to wing all of my answers. "I wasn't missing. I just.. I was living with my uncle." I was pretty impressed with myself for coming up with that one. That was a solid alibi. At least that's what I thought at first.

"Your uncle lives downtown?" Emile asked, and I nodded.

"Forgive me if I'm prying, Virgil, but if your uncle only lives downtown, why would you not continue to attend our school?" It was a valid question. The high school wasn't far from main street downtown. I sighed, 

"I switched to home school." I lied. At this point, I looked up and realized that Wendy was standing in the doorway, leaning on the door frame, listening in as well. 

"Then why…" Remy trailed off, voice still heavy with tears. "Why would you just cut us off like that?" He sounded so hurt… shit, I didn't think this through.

"I..I was scared...I wasn't thinking straight." I finally forced out. It wasn't a very good answer, but it was all I could come up with in the moment. Remy didn't seem satisfied, but I didn't really know what else to do.

"Virgil, you said that your mother has been...dead..for an entire year? Is this the event that led you to leaving school and not speaking to us?" Logan asked, those brown eyes staring me down with a worried expression.

I nodded, seeing no reason to lie about that part at least.

"Dark prince, it wounds me that you had to go through that alone. What unimaginable pain you must have been in.." Roman remarked, his tone heavy and sad despite the dramatic choice of words. I just sighed and shrugged, looking down at my lap,

"I just..didn't feel like talking to anyone. I needed to focus on taking care of myself. And I guess I was in shock too.." At least that wasn't a lie. 

"Indeed, that is a very likely explanation."

"So," Remy said darkly, looking up at me through his bangs. "Why were you on the road last night? Thomas said you were beaten to a pulp and delusional." I didn't have an answer to that, I was getting really tired of this talk. The room was silent for a very long time before someone spoke up again,

"Did you get robbed, Virgil..?" Thomas asked, also desperate to hear why I was in a place like that.

I quickly nodded to that, glad that someone had suggested something at all.

Remy just rolled his eyes, "Well it's not a surprise you got mugged while you were walking on one of the most dangerous streets downtown. You're lucky you didn't get kidnapped." He snapped, and I shrunk into myself a bit. 

"Remy." Emile warned, making his boyfriend slump forward slightly with a stubborn pout. It quieted him down though.

There was silence yet again. That is until I let out an exasperated sigh. I had to say _something_ so I figured I would just wing it. "Look guys, I'm sorry…" I said, looking up at Remy, who scoffed and looked away, his arms folded tightly. I distantly remembered that he did that when he was trying to keep himself together- held himself like that. "I really am. I fucked up, okay? My mom died and my uncle was the only family left, so I was sent to him. Everything just went so fast, and I was...sad…" I was getting pretty good at lying. The guilt was eating at my insides though.

"I was scared after a while that you'd be mad at me or that you wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. And I dropped out of school, so I just...didn't really have a way to see or talk to you anyway…" I trailed off, picking at my sleeves. I had my phone at the time, but I really did get robbed once and they took it.

"I really am sorry, Rem…" I whispered, wishing I knew what to say to make it better. I wanted to cry. I missed him so much, but he was so mad at me…

Remy was shaking now, and I knew what that meant. Remy had only cried in front of two people, and that was Emile and me. He refused to show his weakness to anyone else, and I could tell he was struggling right now. Luckily, Emile could tell too. He stood up and turned to the others, 

"We should give the two of them some space to work things out." He suggested, and the others nodded, understanding. Remy and I were always very close, practically on the same level as me and Thomas. Everyone else were my friends, but Remy and Thomas were the most important people in my life. I think they all understood that this situation was affecting the two of them a little differently than the rest. 

They all left, and suddenly I was in a room alone with my (possible ex) best friend who had been yelling at me not even five minutes earlier. For a while, no one moved. It was quiet and the air was heavy. I kept my eyes on Remy, and his shoulders quivered, but that's all. I wasn't sure what to do. I opened my mouth to speak, only managing to get out a small noise before Remy shouted at me, "Shut up!"

I flinched back harshly, hitting my head on the headboard. Remy immediately looked regretful, but his eyes were still full of tears.

"You don't get to talk. You don't… don't-" he cut off, choking out a weak sob. "You have no idea what this last year has been like for me, Virgil." Remy rasped weakly after a moment of trying to get a hold of himself. "I thought you were dead." 

I was quiet for a little bit, tears escaping my own eyes too. The guilt was tearing me apart from the inside out. "I-I...I really am sorry, Rem…" I whispered. I was scared that he wouldn't forgive me. That he didn't want to be my friend anymore at all. It would have been justified, of course, but I didn't think I would have been able to handle it. 

Luckily for me, Remy's anger finally faded away and all that was left was my best friend crying and nervously doting over me. 

"I can't believe you're really okay.. I mean just- _thank god_." He said through his tears, his hands back on my face. "You're such an idiot, Virge. Why would you just decide not to talk to us? To me? We love you so much..we would have been there with you every step of the way. I can't believe you." He scolded, but there was no real edge to his words.

I sighed. I didn't want to tell him the real reason why I cut them off, he would have said it was stupid. I was only trying to protect them..to improve their lives by subtracting myself. I knew that I was a huge burden to all of them, I always had been. I needed them way more than they needed me, and I ruined their lives so often. Once my mom died and I was hiding from the police and social workers, I had no reason not to leave their lives. So I did. 

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah yeah, I heard you the first 30 times you said that. Just give me a hug." Remy snapped, making me smile a little. I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around him and hiding my face in his shoulder. " _God_ I missed you. Never _ever_ pull something like this again, you hear me?"

I just nodded, tightening my arms around Remy a little. My body still hurt, so I appreciated that Remy wasn't holding me in the death grip he had been earlier when he was mad at me. I closed my eyes and took in a long, deep breath. I could smell Remy's cologne, the same one I remember him wearing. It was his favorite, I recognized it pretty fast. I'd already cried myself out for the day, I didn't really have any tears left, but if I did I would be crying over the familiarity of this moment, and the moment from before too, with Thomas. Holding and being held by Remy and Thomas, and even Wendy too, it felt like home.

Oh, how I missed that home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my favorite chapter I've written so far. I really love the way I wrote Remy. I tried to keep in character according to how I think he'd react (which is true for all of the characters I write) and I just think the raw emotion I had in mind for this scene was executed fairly well. So yeah I'm proud of this chapter, I hope you guys like it. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments, I really really appreciate all of you. Your guys' feedback truly makes my day.


	6. 𝕱𝖎𝖛𝖊

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and Roman's mom is the sweetest and she loves her sons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's an important note at the end of this chapter that I'd greatly appreciate if you read, thank you for your time and I hope you're doing alright and staying safe. 💕 
> 
> TWs for this chapter: Panic attacks, references to underage prostitution and drug use.

Remy and I talked in Thomas' room for a little longer before we decided to join everyone else in the living room. They were all gathered on the couches and the floor, talking about who knows what. Rem and I were noticed first by Emile, who smiled at us. Then Roman turned his head and of course he took it upon himself to announce our presence, 

"Ah! Our dark knight and his close comrade have exited the meeting hall and come to join us!" 

I rolled my eyes while Remy scoffed, walking across the room to sit next to Emile, "Comrade? Bitch, I'm the queen." Emile laughed and put his arm around his boyfriend, reaching his other arm back to his side to pick up a mug. It was pretty hot still, I could see the steam coming from it. Remy's face lit up as he was offered the mug, he mumbled a thank you and kissed Emile's jaw before leaning on him and starting to drink his coffee.

Remy had settled in with the rest of the group within mere seconds, but I was still left standing awkwardly. Wendy was in the kitchen, leaning on the counter, it was clear she was still part of the conversation that had been going on. She looked serious.

"Hey Virge, I made you some hot chocolate." She smiled, pushing off of the counter and turning to the island where another mug sat. She brought it out to me and once again, if I had any tears left to cry, l would have, because that was  _ my _ mug. They'd bought it for my birthday when I was ten, and kept it at their house for me to use whenever I was here. It made me so happy. And even after a whole year of being missing and presumed dead, they still kept that cup. "Just like you always loved it, hun. Hot chocolate with caramel and sprinkles~" she smiled, gently ruffling my hair which surprisingly didn't scare me in that particular moment. 

Because in that moment, everything felt so normal. I was home, surrounded by all of my friends who loved me. Nothing else mattered then, I remember feeling a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders. I felt genuine happiness for the first time in years. It felt like everything was going to be okay.

They must have noticed that in my face, because for a whole three hours after that moment, no one mentioned anything about what had happened before that day. We sat and talked, we played our favorite board games, Patton made his famous mini pizzas for all of us, it was perfect. It was the best day I'd had in so, so long. I was filled to the brim with love and happiness and safety, and I never wanted this to end.

But, of course it had to eventually. It wasn't realistic of me to think that it wouldn't.

The others had to leave all too soon, and I was left with the three Princes. Wendy told the boys to go to their rooms and get ready for bed, and they did. Once they were out of the room, Wendy gave me her best mom smile, “We need to talk, honey. Do you want to do it out here or in my bedroom?” She asked sweetly. I sighed, I knew that she was going to want to have a more in-depth talk about what happened to me. Thinking about it, I decided that I did not want Thomas or Roman to hear the conversation, in case something that was not meant to be said falls out of my mouth. Wendy was always good at talking the truth out of me.

“Here..” I mumbled. The way the apartment was set up, the bedrooms were right next to each other, and the walls weren’t exactly thick. Wendy smiled and nodded, getting up and walking down the hall. I heard muffled conversation between her and her sons before a door shut and she returned.

“Alright, Virgil. The boys both have their headphones in and their door is closed. We have full privacy now, you don’t have to worry about them hearing, kay?” 

I just nodded quietly, pushing back against the couch’s arm and pulling my legs to my chest. 

“Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that you have an uncle living downtown.” She said with a matter-of-fact tone that made me flinch. I could have denied it easily, I could have made up a story to further prove the existence of my fake uncle, but what she said next eliminated that option completely. "I found this in the pocket of your hoodie, Virge." She said, her voice wavering between stern and distressed, but she held herself together well. I don't think I need to tell you what she held up to show me after that. I will tell you that when I saw it I couldn't breathe and I found myself desperately wishing she'd found the money instead. She probably found both, but the money would have been much easier to explain away.

I was caught red-handed. All I could do was pull my legs closer to my chest. She moved from her spot leaning against the wall and sat down on the opposite side of the couch from me, legs crossed. 

“I need to know what really happened, baby.” She said, her tone getting weaker. It almost sounds like she was going to cry... I looked back at her through my eyelashes and long bangs, and sure enough there were tears in her teddy bear brown eyes. There was so much concern there and it was wearing me down fast. I struggled to keep a hold on my emotions and weighed my options. 

I was caught, there really wasn't any way to avoid admitting that the drugs were mine. Why else would I have them? If I'd been dealing I'd have a lot more than that on me. I had every reason to tell her the whole truth, but getting the words out was the biggest challenge.

“S-She died...and then I just..left. I really was downtown.” I mumbled, hiding my face in my arms. That didn't really do much to explain the drugs though.

“You were high when Thomas and Roman found you.” Terror overtook my whole body.  _ Oh my god, did Thomas know?!  _ I forgot how to breathe, I had to uncurl from the position I was in to try and make it easier to get air into my lungs. “The boys don’t know, try to take deep breaths honey.” She assured, her voice steady and slow. I did my best, closing my eyes and trying to focus on the air entering my lungs. 

“Virgil, sweetheart, I’m not upset with you. I love you, okay? You’ve always been like a son to me. You’re completely safe here, but I am worried about you. I really need you to tell me what’s going on so that I can help you.” She explained, and suddenly the tone of her voice was pissing me off. She was talking to me like I was a baby, and I was too desperate for her attention to notice at first. When I did though, I couldn’t hold back my irritation.

“I don’t want help.” I snapped, not really knowing what I was saying or why. “I can take care of myself, I was doing fine before they found me.” Wendy raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms over her chest,

“Were you now? You didn’t seem very okay to me." 

"Well I was, okay? Geez, it wasn't even that big of a deal." I growled, keeping my face angled away from her sight so she wouldn't see the tears that were seconds away from overflowing. 

_ Damn, guess they're back now. _

"Why were you on that street that late at night, Virgil?" Wendy asked, and something told me she already knew the answer, which absolutely terrified me. She already knew about the drugs… she was probably gonna kick me out now anyway. There was absolutely no way that if she knew I was selling my body, she'd ever talk to me or let the others talk to me again. I had to push her away from the topic. Away from me. She already knew too much.

"None of your fucking business. I was just walking." I snapped, sending her my best heavy glare and praying it would work. It didn't. She kept pushing, and I was weak. 

" _ Virgil _ ." Wendy's tone changed from sweet and soft to something I imagined a mother would sound like when she was angry with her child. Not the kind of angry that had no reason, not the kind my own mother used to display, no. The kind of angry where you know you're about to receive some tough love, and it's gonna suck in the moment, but you know it's necessary.

And it was necessary. It was the push I needed to let the walls crumble and my defenses to fall. I felt my body shaking pretty hard and I just curled back into the ball I'd been in before, guilt pooling into my chest, drowning me. "'m sorry…" I whined, shivering violently as I held myself. "Sorry…'m so sorry.." 

I heard a small sigh and shuffling, then felt the cushion my feet were resting on dip. She has moved closer. "Oh baby, it's okay. You're alright now. I know all of that must have been really scary. I'm-" 

"S-Stop!" I cried out, sounding more panicked than angry, "I-I- I'm not a baby, Wendy! I don't..I don't need your pity or- o-o-or…" I trailed off, not knowing what else to say. There was a silence for a moment before she spoke again, 

"You're right, I'm sorry Virgil. You're not a baby. But accepting love and help from others doesn't make you a baby, sweetheart. I know that you're old enough to know how to take care of yourself, but that doesn't mean you should have to." She spoke softly, her arm resting on the top of the couch, her fingers just barely playing with my hair. She knew me, she remembered… 

There were times where I wasn't okay with touch, especially when I was upset, but I never had a problem with someone I trusted fully, playing with my hair. So it kind of became a thing, when someone in the group wanted to comfort me, or calm me down, they could do that until I was alright with them touching me fully. It was always such an appreciated gesture and right now was no different.

"I know that your mother wasn't the best." I scoffed at that, she had no idea.. "But baby, you've always had us. You had us then, and you have us now. I'm not letting you go back out there. I can't imagine that you wanted to be out there anyway. You just didn't know where to go, did you..?" Her voice was soft, but not condescending or pitiful like before. It was clear that she really cared for me, and it made me want to crawl into her arms and hide there forever.

I sniffled and shook my head slowly. It was true, I really hadn't known where to go once my mom died. I knew I had nowhere but the streets, I couldn't go to any of my friends..I would have been such a bother. So..I just did what I could. 

"Can I hold you, Virge?" I nodded again, and let out a quiet little whine when she pulled me into her lap. I cried into her shoulder as she held me, and I thought about how she really was my mom. My birth mother beat me, yelled at me and sold my body to whoever would pay, but Wendy.. Ever since the very first day I met Wendy, she was taking care of me. The second I stepped into her house I was given a juice box, crackers and a hug. 

She would kiss my silly little injuries when I was little, just like I saw her do for Roman and Thomas. She held me and told me that she loved me just the way I was when I came out to her in eighth grade. She even came to the school to defend me when I was being suspended for getting in a fight in elementary school. And now here I was, curled up in her lap like a five year old, crying while she holds me close and rocks us back and forth a bit.

And despite how embarrassed I should have felt, I couldn't feel anything other than pure safety. I was in my mom's arms, and I felt like nothing could hurt me ever again. So, I cried. The overwhelming emotions I felt overflowed and I just cried heavily into her chest while she mumbled assurances into my hair.

"Shh, I know baby. I've got you, okay? No one is gonna hurt you anymore. I'm so sorry you were alone for so long. Never again, kiddo." 

The wave of safety was followed by a wave of disgust, the voices all around me trying to grab at me. I whimpered and pushed closer to Wendy, finding myself spewing words desperately to try and get rid of this awful feeling I felt.

"I didn't want to...I never wanted to, mama, I didn't. I didn't!" I sobbed, "She made me...she made me and I didn't know what else to do when she died, I had-- I had to...i-it was t-th-the only w-way to...to keep myself a-alive I-" 

"Hey hey hey, shhh.. you're okay, slow down, breathe Virge." She soothed, running her fingers through my hair. "What do you mean she made you do it? You're talking about your mother, yeah? What did she make you do, honey?" She was speaking quietly, probably knowing that I didn't want the boys to hear the conversation. Her question made my skin crawl even more and I pulled away from her, feeling nauseous. "Breathe, baby. Breathe. Let's do an exercise, yeah? Breathe in for five," 

She led me through some of Thomas' breathing exercises before I was finally able to think again. I was trembling violently and my skin was still crawling at the thought of telling her what my broken rambles meant. Despite my anxiety and disgust for myself, I decided to tell her everything. Everything from what my mother did to herself, to what she forced me to do, all the way to what I had been doing in the last year. By the time I was finished, she was in tears and I was throwing up into a small trashcan she'd grabbed from the bathroom as soon as I started looking pale.

Once I was done explaining and throwing up, I was so exhausted I could barely move my limbs. My skin was burning with desperation to be touched, to be held and kept safe. I didn't feel safe, not after sharing that. But I remember being so sure that I was going to be cast back out to the streets as soon as I looked at Wendy. 

That didn't happen though.

"Virgil, would you like me to hold you?" She asked, voice heavy sadness. I nodded frantically and climbed back into her lap when she opened her arms to me. She layed us down on the couch and turned on the TV, pulling a blanket from the back of the couch and draping it around me. I lay my head on her chest and let my eyes fall shut. 

It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders that night. Wendy had promised not to tell anyone if I would promise to let her help me. We both agreed, and suddenly I didn't feel so alone and scared anymore. I didn't have to worry about where I was going to get money for food, or where I was going to sleep. And best of all...I didn't have to have sex anymore.

That night was the beginning of the best two months of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. There are a couple of things I need to talk about here, so bare with me.
> 
> Things have been really hard for me in the last few weeks, my mental health has been plummetting at a rapid rate and most days I can barely move or think, let alone get any work done. Motivation is also at an all time low. When I write fanfictions and I post them somewhere, I do my best to be several chapters ahead of what I post, as kind of an insurance policy for myself. In case my mental status gets bad and stuff, as it has now. But unfortunately I've been very stuck, and this is the last completed chapter I have of this fanfiction. I don't know when I will be able to continue this story, as things around me and in the world in general are getting worse and worse every day and my mind is honestly so overwhelmed that it's turning to mush. I'm so sorry for disappointing you. I have so many good plans for this story that I'm excited for, but at the moment I'm just not able to do the work to get there.
> 
> I've been considering asking if someone would want to collaborate on this project with me. I had the idea that we'd co-write this in roleplay format and just edit it and post it here as chapters. While that method would be much more efficient to me and possibly even more interesting since there would be two people inputting ideas and such into the story, I also have to consider my personal writing style as well as the complicated point of view I've chosen to write this story in. The point of view is a largely important part of the story and I have very specific plans for it in the future so I can't really just change it to a 3rd person narritive (the format it would have to be if I started writing this roleolay-style). 
> 
> Anyway- this is already long enough, I doubt people will read this far. But if you have, thank you. I'll be finishing school this next week so logically speaking I'll have more time to work on this, but I can't and won't make any promises and get your hopes up, because like I said before, my mental status is very rough at the moment. I hope that all of you are well though, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.


	7. 𝖘𝖎𝖝

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil moves in with Patton and gets a surprise no one asked for. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:   
> Rape flashback enclosed in "***"  
> References to underage prostitution  
> Panic attack takes place after the flashback 
> 
> Pls tell me if I missed anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I'm so sorry I haven't updated this fic in 8463393628 years. I work on it little by little but life is super super busy and chaotic and depressing tbh. I've FINALLY finished this long ass chapter and I wanna upload it so that 1: you guys will finally get some content and 2: maybe you guys can comment and make my day
> 
> I hope everyone is doing good and I hope you enjoy this even though it's sad ❤️

The happiness I felt that night obviously didn't last. Just a few days and I was back to being the anxious piece of shit everyone knew and apparently loved. The safety I felt stayed, but it was on the back burner. Just because I didn't have to worry about selling my body on the streets didn't mean all of my problems were gone.

First of all, withdrawals hit me like a truck. There isn't much information online about acid withdrawals; they just say it varies from person to person. Well, mine was shit to say the least. I was in bed with a high fever and chills for days, crying and throwing up, it was  _ not _ pretty.

I wanted to be stuck on the couch while I was sick, but neither Thomas nor Wendy would give in. I was to sleep in Thomas' bed and Thomas could sleep on the couch or the floor. I felt incredibly guilty, but the sickness wore off eventually and my body just felt very drained. Apparently the depression had rolled in at full force.

Within a week, Wendy had arranged for a meeting with the social worker and signed me up for both school and therapy. I was terrified when she'd mentioned the social worker, but she promised they wouldn't take me away. She was already a trained foster mother, so it wasn't hard to ensure that I would be staying with the Princes.

By the time it had been two weeks since they found me, I was enrolled in school and having my third therapy session. Everything happened so fast- it felt too fast. I was extremely overwhelmed, most of the happiness and joy from the first few days with my old friends had gone and was replaced by crippling anxiety with a bit of depression seeping in from the corners. 

But, unlike the prior year of my life, I wasn't alone. I still slept in Thomas' bed, my friends came to visit me every day, Wendy was practically my official mother, so on and so forth. The bottom line is, I was struggling a bit, yes, but I had the support that I needed to keep my head above the water.

Little did I know, things were going to get a lot more difficult very quickly.

It’s not like it wasn’t my fault though, it all started with an idea that I had. 

As happy as I was in the Prince household, the guilt was still eating at me. There was no room for me in that apartment, and that was becoming more and more of a problem every day. Of course, none of them would have ever admitted it, but the apartment was small enough with three people living there- with four it was kind of a nightmare. The cupboards were constantly empty, the bathroom was always occupied or very cluttered, and poor Thomas had to share his small bed with me. 

I had been trying to think of a way I could get out of their hair without running away again, but there wasn’t any real options. I was becoming increasingly stressed out about it, and I eventually ended up ranting about it to Patton one day at school. We were in psych class and I’d been spacing out, so he asked me what was wrong and for some reason I told him. 

Pat didn’t waste any time in telling me that there was a spare room in his house and his parents likely wouldn’t mind at all if I stayed with them. My first instinct was to refuse, but I stopped myself and thought about it for a minute. At that point I had two options: stay at Patton’s house indefinitely, or go back to living on the streets. I couldn’t stay with the Princes, I couldn’t keep taking up their limited space. I definitely didn't want to go back to living on the streets though… If I ended up doing that, I knew I wouldn’t stay clean for long, and I’d have to go back to selling myself. I promised Wendy that I wouldn’t do that though, so really at the end of the day I only had one choice, and that was accepting Patton’s offer.

And that is how I found myself standing in a fairly spacious, very clean bedroom in a house that smelled like freshly baked cookies. It only took a week to arrange the move, and during that week Wendy and I had many in-depth talks. She was reluctant to let me go, she worried about me leaving her supervision; especially considering I made her promise that she wouldn’t mention anything about my past to Patton’s parents. I didn’t want anyone to know about the drugs or the prostitution, especially not now, when these amazingly nice people were letting me stay in their house. If they knew...there was no way in hell they would have let me stay with them, or even be friends with their son.

“Alright,” Wendy sighed from behind me, prompting me to turn and face her, “I think that’s everything. How are you feeling, Virge?” she asked, reaching toward me and gently brushing some of the hair out of my eyes. 

“I’m...alright.” I said, actually telling the truth for once. I was doing okay, pretty stressed and tired from the move, but otherwise alright. I felt a bit better knowing Thomas had his own bed back now, and that I wasn’t taking up so much space in their tiny apartment anymore. She looked at me with a sad smile- it was such a motherly look, and that made warmth blossom in my chest. 

“That’s good, baby.” She hesitated before letting her smile fade just a little, her warm hand cupping my cheek, “Are you sure you want to stay here? You really weren’t any trouble at our house. You know we love to have you there.”

I just smiled softly and nodded, “I’m sure. You guys deserve your space, I don’t want to intrude anymore. I know you like me there, but there just isn’t room for me to stay there forever. I’ll be okay, I promise.” She let her hand fall from my cheek as I continued, “Plus, it’s not like I’ll never come over again, you’re still my legal guardian, and Thomas is still my best friend. And we both know that I’m safe here, so everything’s fine.” I finished off with a casual shrug, trying to play off the fact that I was getting nervous and sad all of a sudden. 

There was a short silence before Wendy just huffed out a small chuckle and opened her arms to invite me into a hug. I accepted almost immediately, stepping forward and wrapping my arms around her waist, resting my head on her shoulder. She held me in one of her protective mom hugs that I adored so much,

“Alright then, Mr. independent.” she teased, kissing the top of my head, “Call me if you need me, okay? I love you.”

I couldn’t help the small smile on my face as we pulled away and locked eyes again, “Love you too, mom.”

After Wendy left, I had time to settle into my new bedroom. Patton's mom brought me cookies at one point, she was a very sweet woman, and I felt fairly comfortable around her. She reminded me a lot of Pat, but that wasn't much of a surprise. Patton said that his dad had been on a business trip for the last few days and would be coming back that evening, which made me extremely anxious. 

I already felt terrible for intruding on these people's home, I was very worried that Patton's father wouldn't be happy that I was staying with them.

  
  


I ended up forgetting my anxiety about Patton's dad after a while, because I was introduced to Pat's baby brother, Oliver. Oliver was the sweetest soul. I don't know how Patton's mother did it, she raised such beautiful, amazing children. I was a bit jealous honestly, self conscious too. I wished I could be as good as the Hearts.

For the rest of that first day, Patton, Oliver and I played video games together in the living room. We talked and laughed and giggled, it's one of my favorite memories. One of the last good things that happened to me before- well… 

It was around seven o'clock when I heard the front door open. I was in the middle of a Mariokart round with Oli. Patton jumped up from his seat on the couch next to me, exclaiming that his dad was home. Oliver quickly paused the game and hurried out of the room closely behind Patton.

Not sure what else to do, I set my controller aside and stood up, nervously following them.

"Dad!" I heard Patton squeal, followed by a much louder echo from the younger one. I hesitantly stepped into the entryway and watched as a very happy looking Patton and Oliver hugged a taller man who's back was facing me.

"Ah! My boys!" The man exclaimed with a small chuckle, hugging them back. I couldn't help but smile a bit at the sight, trying to ignore the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was a sweet sight, I had to admit. Most people Patton's age wouldn't act like this toward their parents, thinking they're too old or too cool to do so. But Patton was never like that. He was never afraid to show how much he loved people. I always admired that about him.

I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder, quickly turning my head to see Mrs. Heart standing next to me with a sweet smile. 

"Welcome home, dear!" She greeted, not making a move to go hug him like her sons did. "Come say hi to Virgil, he's the new house guest I was telling you about."

His voice had made me uneasy from the beginning, but up until this point, the man's face had been obscured from my view. When Patton and Oliver stepped away from him however, the world stopped turning. Everything froze, and terror rushed through my veins as I looked into his eyes. There was no mistaking the fact that I knew this man. 

Well, I didn't _know_ _him_ know him- didn't know his name, but I knew _him_. 

The moment we made eye contact, I knew he recognized me too. But unlike me, his facial expression didn't change, his bright smile only faltered for a second, "Virgil, huh? Nice to meet you, kiddo!" He said in a too-sweet voice as he stepped into my personal space, hand outstretched to shake. I flinched at the nickname. No, that was wrong, that's what Patton called me, this awful man was not allowed to call me that, not allowed to tarnish that affectionate nickname that made me so happy. It was so wrong and it made me shiver in disgust and step back.

I remember in that moment, all I could think was:  _ get out get out get out get away this is bad go hide, no more not again please..  _ I couldn't breathe, it felt like I no longer had lungs in my chest, just a deep empty void that was quickly filling up with pure fear. I took several more steps back. I could feel myself falling into a flashback, that same voice looming over me, sounding much less kind,

******

_ "Ah, you're so tight. What a pretty little fuck toy."  _

_ The heat all around me was suffocating, I could feel the pain in my ass as he pounded into me without a care in the world. I was high, yeah, but not high enough not to feel the pain. I tried my best not to cry, but I couldn't help the few tears that slipped. It just hurt so much… _

_ I felt so sick, and I wished this man would just shut the fuck up and finish already so I could get payed and leave. He didn't leave an inch of skin untouched, biting and licking my neck and jaw, pulling my hair, pounding into me. I just wanted out, I didn't want to do this anymore. Honest, I didn't. All I wanted was for someone to save me. All I wanted was to go see my friends, to be safe and feel relaxed and live. But I knew all I could do then was survive, so that's what I did. _

_ I survived, but it was no thanks to this awful man. After our session, I could barely walk, and he gave me a quarter of what he owed, telling me he'd pay the rest in advice. As he was getting dressed, he lectured me about being a whore, _

_ "You know, you picked up the right profession, kid. But you should charge way less than ya do. You're not really worth a fifty. Not even worth a twenty honestly."  _

_ At least I got enough to eat the next day. _

_ **** _

"Virgil??? Virgil can you hear me?" 

I opened my eyes slowly- wait, when did I even close them?- looking up and getting caught in innocent blue eyes. 

"P-Pat..?" I choked weekly. I felt pain shoot up my back as I sat up and flinched, suddenly acutely aware of my surroundings. I was on the floor, back against a cabinet. Patton's entire family stood before me, staring. His entire family and  **_him_ ** . I couldn't breathe. 

"Yeah! Yeah it's me, kiddo. I'm here. What happened? Are you okay?" 

I was speechless. I could barely move. It took all of my energy to move my violently shaking hand in order to grab onto Patton's shirt sleeve. I had to pull myself together. I  _ had _ to. I couldn't sit here and panic like this, and I certainly couldn't tell them the truth about why I'm so terrified. But I was running out of time, I didn't know what to say or do. I just wanted to get away. 

_ I want Wendy.. _

"F-f-flashba-ack-k.." I muttered, tugging weakly on Patton's sleeve. "R-Room… pl-please, Pa-at?"

Patton's eyes lit up with understanding, "Oh! Of course, kiddo. Come on, let's get you upstairs. Can I touch you?" 

My skin was screaming for me to say no, I felt so disgusting and I didn't want it to spread to Patton.. Beautiful, perfect, always happy Patton. He didn't deserve that. But..I couldn't move on my own. I had to… I had to say yes. So I did, letting the tears fall without care. 

Patton gently took my arm and helped me stand. I leaned heavily on him, crying the whole way. I felt sick to my stomach.  **_He_ ** touched me,  **_his_ ** filth was all over me and  **_he's_ ** Patton's dad! Patton loves and trusts his dad but his dad payed to fuck a child younger than his fucking son! And now Patton has to touch that disgusting child. I was going to throw up.

I think Patton may have noticed the discoloration in my face or maybe my panicked facial expression, because he walked me up the stairs faster and turned the corner into the bathroom instead of taking me to my new bedroom. As soon as we stepped foot in there I shoved him off of me and practically fell face first toward the toilet and grabbed the edges of the bowl just in time.

I couldn't stop sobbing between throwing up. I could barely breathe, sometimes I started choking on my own bile and throwing up even more. Soon enough though, nothing was left in me and I just slumped against the toilet, completely exhausted and disgusted with myself and what my friend was forced to watch me do. 

"Mm sorry...mm sorry Pat mm sorry…" I mumbled, sniffling pathetically. 

Patton, ever the angel, just shushed me and cleaned up my face with a towel. "It's okay, it's okay Virge. Let's get you changed and into bed." He helped me up and led me into my new room, which suddenly didn't feel so inviting anymore. 

He got some of my clothes out for me, my sweatpants, a t-shirt and my favorite hoodie. Everyone knew that my hoodie was my safe item, I really appreciated that. 

"Alrighty, here's these, kiddo. I'll leave you to get dressed, okay? I'll just-"

"No!" I practically yelled in panic, "Please... don't leave me.." I refused to make eye contact, in case Patton might possibly realize that I'm scared for reasons other than the aftermath of a panic attack. I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. I must look so fucking pathetic. 

I heard him make a small noise, probably feeling bad for me or something. He set his hand on top of mine and I flinched a small gasp escaping my lips without my permission. He pulled his hand away immediately and took a step back, "I won't leave then, Virge. I'm right here, okay? I'll just turn around so you can have some privacy." And he did.

As I got changed quickly I couldn't help but think about how he was really brave- or maybe stupid- to turn his back on me like that. For all he knew I could be planning to attack him, and he would be none the wiser. Of course, I'd never do that, especially to Patton, but.. it wasn't very smart of him to trust me or anyone like that.. 

But maybe that was my anxiety talking.

"O-Okay...I'm finished.." I whispered, hugging myself tightly and looking at the floor. 

When Patton turner around, I heard him sigh and step forward, which made me squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath. "Virge..?" He said softly, sounding hurt. I snapped my eyes open again, feeling cold air hit my cheeks, making me realize I was crying.

"Mm sorry- I.. b-bed…" I forced out, turning quickly to get into my new bed. I froze as soon as I got too close though, my hand outstretched toward the neatly placed bat comforter. I knew the comforter was clean and untouched by..him... because Wendy bought it for me and gave it to Patton's mother to put on my bed as a surprise. But the rest of the bed…

I turned my head slightly to look at Pat out of the corner of my eye, "U-Um…" I stuttered, trying to figure out a way to ask if Patton's father had touched the bed without actually asking that. I didn't want Patton anywhere near that little detail about how I might have already known his father before today. "Has...anyone else um...slept in here?" 

Patton tilted his head to the side and hummed in thought, his eyebrows drawn up into a worried expression, "I don't think so? Not since my grandparents on my mom's side came to visit, and that was...a year ago? This room was never really used that often before now. If you're worried about it not being clean, it is. Mom put on brand new sheets for you and everything! She even bought you a fuzzy blanket, I have one too and it's soooooo cozy. It was a welcome gift from her, I think she layed it out under the comforter." 

I felt my shoulders sag in relief before they immediately tensed up again at the mention of Patton's mother buying him a blanket. "She...didn't have to do that." He said softly, feeling guilt pool in his stomach as he let himself pull back the fluffy comforter to reveal the soft blanket Patton had been referring to. It really was fuzzy, and it was a beautiful pitch black color.

"It's really no trouble! They're not too expensive anyway, so don't worry! She really wanted you to have something safe and comforting! And I told her that your favorite colors were black and purple. There was a purple one too but it wasn't the right shade and it didn't go as well with the bat comforter that Mrs. Sanders bought you. I hope you like it!!" Patton rambled, smiling hopefully. 

Virgil did like it. Honestly, he did. He loved it. But he still felt so awful, like he needed to pay them back. The same with Wendy. All of these people were being so kind and he was just taking advantage of them. 

Feeling an overwhelming sense of self hatred and exhaustion, Virgil pulled back the soft blanket and climbed into the bed, burying himself in the warmth of the fuzzy blanket and the very puffy bat comforter on top. The bed gave him so much room to move around too, it was so nice. He definitely didn't deserve this.. 

"I love it." He mumbled, nuzzling into the pillows below his cheek, "Thank you Pat. I promise I'll make it up to you as soon as I can." 

Patton frowned, "No, you don't need to make anything up to us. We love having you here, I'm so excited to live with you! Not to mention Ollie adores you." Patton giggled softly, warming my heart. There was a short silence and I felt myself drifting off to sleep slowly. I was so exhausted, today had been so fucking busy and overwhelming, and the blankets felt so warm and safe. And with Patton standing there near me, I felt like nothing could get to me. Like  _ he _ couldn't get to me.

"Do you want me to stay?" Patton asked, startling me awake a little more. I sighed softly to myself, yawning. 

"No, it's alright." The words left my mouth before I could even really think them through. I was just so tired and I really needed space… 

_ But..what about  _ **_him_ ** _..? What if he comes in?  _

Fear and adrenaline woke me up more and I sat up, looking at Patton nervously, "B-But…" I tried to think of a question that wouldn't give away the fact that I was afraid of Patton's father. "Does...does the door lock?" 

Patton blinked at me in confusion and suddenly I had a sinking feeling that I'd asked something rude. Much to my relief though, Patton just smiled softly and nodded, "It does. You're allowed to lock your door, but just promise you'll be safe." 

I visibly relaxed and nodded, giving Patton a tired smile, "I promise, pops." I said softly, giggling a little when Patton's face lit up. 

"Alrighty! Well gnight then kiddo. I hope you have great dreams! Oh and don't be afraid to come and get me if you need me! I'm always here for you. I'm so happy to have you here!" Patton said, I could tell that he was genuine. Honestly, when was Pat not genuine though? "I can lock the door for you so you don't have to get up. Try to get some rest, Virge."

And with that, the lock was clicked and the door shut. And I was alone with my thoughts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be real with you guys and say that the next chapter probably won't be out for a long time. I haven't even started it and like I said I only work on this little by little when I can. I haven't abandoned this fic though, I kinda like it. I'm sorry for such irregular updates, I don't really mean for it to be like this, I'm just busy with life and also ✨ mentally ill✨


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